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Losing my fight

To explain things from the start:

I was in a car accident in November 2012...I was at a complete stop and I was rear ended and I had sustained a few medical conditions from it...

I have a lower back injury: L2 bulging disc, L5 herniated disc with disc degeneration and height difference causing an impenged sciatic nerve root between L5-S1. Some days I can barely move because my back pain radiates down my right leg and makes its difficult to walk...I have had days where I couldn't even get out of bed or I have fallen and couldn't get back up and the emergency response team has had to break into my house once because I was home alone or the time they had to wrap me in a tarp and carry me downstairs to a gurney as my mom had to watch them as they had to rush me to the hospital because I was temporarily paralyzed...I've had two epidural steroid injections and they didn't help at all...I finally had surgery for it October 2016.

I have a condition called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension(IIH)-My body produces too much spinal fluid causing extreme amounts of pressure on my brain. My body acts as if there is a brain tumor..causing chronic migraines, seizures, vision problems which can include complete loss of vision, memory problems, neurological deficits....in 2014 I was losing my eyesight, had headaches/migraines everyday and I was in the hospital every month...

I had brain surgery September 2014 for a VP shunt placement. Since then my eyesight has improved (I have some permanent vision damage) and the headaches don't come as often..My shunt began to malfunction in April 2017 and they had to do a second brain surgery on my birthday Sept 19th 2017....

In April 2015 they found that I had a C5 bulging disc causing spinal cord compression so 2weeks later they were doing artificial disc replacement surgery...around a month later they found that the silicone piece between the two titanium discs slipped out and caused spinal cord compression so in October 2015 they went in and fused it with screws and metal rods to limit the mobility in that area...hoping that would relieve the pain....but that didn't happen so I had surgery again on February 29th 2016 and they were going to remove the artificial disc completely...but that didn't happen...When they were going in to remove the artificial disc spinal fluid started leaking out which shouldn't have been happening since all they did was move scar tissue over after making the incision...the piece between the two titanium discs had punctured a hole passed the spinal fluid canal and was somewhere in the spinal cord so removing everything was going to be very different and if I left it in being as young as I am there's no knowing what it could do or where it might end up (could have ended up in my head/around my brain) they've never seen anything like this...they said I was lucky I was still walking...So I had my 4th neck surgery on March 29th 2017 to remove the artificial disc and the wandering piece...it was a very serious and risky surgery...the surgery was about 8hrs long, then I was in the ICU for 2 weeks on bed rest because I had a lumbar drain in my lower back draining excess spinal fluid...they tried to patch up the tear in my spinal fluid canal but it didn't hold so I had a lot of fluid leaking...once the spinal fluid stopped they removed the drain and moved me to the neurosurgery recovery floor for a night...but the surgery went well and they got all the pieces out without extra complications...but I am still suffering from Chronic pain...I am in pain everyday and my pain hasn't been bellow a 4 since the accident...but it has been bellow a 7 since 2014...they say I'll never be pain free again...I don't want to live like this forever...

My pain is pushing my depression to the point where I don't feel like fighting anymore and death almost seems like a relief because I wouldn't be suffering anymore...

My family has not been very supportive with this... They get upset when I need a ride to a doctor appointment or if I need money for medications... My mom thinks my pain is laziness and she has threatened to kick me out if I don't get a job (I've been fighting for disability since may 2015) the only thing that has saved me from ending up homeless was the need for another surgery and then another and so on... She doesn't understand what it's like to wake up in the morning and barely be able to move because your entire body hurts... I don't want to live like this... If I could be doing something with my life I would but instead I get to suffer in pain every waking moment...

I don't know what to do anymore... But I can't keep living like this...

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